Looking and Falling

You said look for you in a rainbow,

That that is a sign you're okay,

But i havent seen one in a while,

i hope your okay Mom,

I miss you alot everyday,

The worst part is when someone doesnt realize your gone,

They say ask your mom for this or that,

I cant, but i wish i could you have no idea,

you were taken to soon and it feels like you've been gone forever,

Its only been a year and a half and it feels as if im living in another world,

I miss you more and more everyday but i know your with me each step of the way,

Sometimes it feels like I've hit rock bottom with no hope of getting out,

Its tough sometimes, i struggle through the day trying to be happy but failing,

Im tired of pretending everything is fine and okay,

But you said i have perseverance and you have faith in me,

I dont want to let you down but you once said i could never let you down,

To be honest i feel lost in a crowd of people,

Im surrounded by noise and people but im alone,

My mind is clouded by darkness and im alone in silence,

I appear happy but im not and i question when,

How do i get out of this darkness i know there is a dim light somewhere,

But im searching in darkness and its like im blind,

I dont know anymore, i need to clear my head somehow,

but everything is a question when i think i have the answers,

I continue to question things, I dont know anymore...
Im full of doubt and fear, i hope for things to be better
But sometimes all hope is gone,
Thats when i feel like ive broken and im shattered into a million pieces
Everyday i put everything back together but the jaged pieces create imaginary scars,
I dont know anymore, how i cant get out of this whole of black,
I'm in free fall and i dont know when i'll land and that scares me the most.

Memories Flying Past

As I stare out this car window things are flying past,

Like a memory one recalls to feel happy or safe,

The trees consumed by darkness in a second,

The dark stormy rain clouds capture the sun and hold it as prisoner,

The sky begins to cry and eventually it just has a breakdown,

Millions of tiny rain drops fall hurriedly from the sky like they are running from something,

The rain creates a peace and you can hear nothing but silence as the rain falls in its heavy loud patter on the window,

Racing down the window like they are trying to escape a horrid beast of some sort,

Scared to face the reality that they might not escape rather get caught,

The sun is trying to get through the dark clouds trying to escape and longing to be free,

The picture before me is a type of madness,

Everything rushing by and things getting caught and trying to escape many things,

I guess this describes our world, the human world,

The car is now on a dirt road full of rocks and pebbles,

Mud splatters everywhere as the tires race through a puddle,

The car gets stuck, I myself am trapped,

I get out and run till I’m far up the road in the middle of nowhere I still feel like I’m trapped,

I recall a memory of a warm summer day in July, where everything seems perfectly fine,

The laughter of the past is haunting my present and my future,

It now seems as if the whole world has gone mad and you’re just someone trying not to turn insane,

What if you change? What would happen?

You wouldn’t be the same person you are now, or would you?

It’s hard to stay the same in any situation because anything can affect you,

This is when you have a chance to be a better person or turn evil,

No matter what you need to make a choice whether it’s right or wrong depends on your actions following it,

As the rain slows, the sun escapes the clouds and the trees appear again,

I’m no longer in a state of confusion,

Rather I’m at peace with myself ready to take on the next challenge thrown at me,

Life and every incident and memory of the past has taught me something that I can apply to the future,

So I’m ready world, go ahead and try to break me down, try to make me hit rock bottom,

But you should know that I will never shatter.

Happiness is hard to find

Happiness is hard to find in this world,

We often go looking for it but never succeed,

This is when you find many different kinds of people,

You have the dreamers, who hope anything can happen,

The realists the people, who just face facts and know how life will be,

You have the idealists, who think everything is a great idea,

These are only a few there are many more people searching,

All on a different mission and looking for what they want,

Eventually when people keep failing and nothing good ever happens,

That is when the person collapses and falls into darkness,

It seems like there is no light going to help them out,

They search blindly in the darkness and call out for someone, anyone,

The only reply is a quiet silence and an echo of themselves,

Driven mad, longing for companionship for someone,

They finally manage to get out of the lonesome darkness,

These people needed a test of their wills,

They no longer take people for granted,

They accept people for who they truly  are,

No one is picky and they realize everyone should be treated the same,

What about those people who never will learn this lesson?

They will not learn through words no matter how easy it is to understand,

Those people take everything for granted, the so called “lucky ones”,

They need to learn but never will if only people could understand,

About why people are so mad, disappointed, and depressed all the time,

It’s sad when someone realizes how bad someone is,

They question how the person got to that state,

But they never ask they make assumptions,

That aren’t true, they are lies,

People just don’t want to waste their time or have to help someone who truly needs it,

So what person are you in the end after taking on all these roles in the play called Life?

Are you who you wanna be or are you someone who was forced to conform to society?

Who do you want to be?

Forget what anyone has ever told you and start all over.

Would you if you had that option or would you change it if you could?

Life is full of choices,

Would you make the choices that would truly make you happy or make someone else happy?

what if all strength is gone? and you are left hopeless

Strength comes in all forms,

But what if someone has lost all hope,

Has come to face facts,

The one who is brave and faces fears,

But then you have everyone who is broken,

No one notices them ever,

They stay unnoticed,

Drifting in a sea of people,

Whether it’s in the quiet of one’s mind

The silence someone shows,

The actions one takes,

The books someone runs away in

The people who try to escape reality in life,

The lies told to get through the day,

No this isn’t a sickness,

But if someone told you that you are a disappointment every day,

How would you act?

How would you deal with it,

Feeling as if you are a waste of space,

To be constantly silenced,

You are left with nothing and no one,

What if you have just had enough

And you can’t take it,

You vent to friends but they can’t fix it

You have hit rock bottom and there is no escape.

A Window Through Life

As I stare out this cold, dark,  window with rain streaming down it, on this smelly, decrepit, rickety, old bus all I can think of is how all this could happen all of a sudden.  I didn’t see it coming neither did my mom. How could we? There were no signs of his depression or wanting to kill himself that dreary night.  My mom couldn’t take it either anymore and went crazy. With my best interest in mind she’s shipping me out to California to live with my grandma.  I disagree, we need each other.  I don’t even like my Grandma because she is never home when we call and when we do talk to her she focuses on herself the whole time and you never get a word in except the words “Yes” “No” “Mhmm.” I can only imagine what it will be like when I live with her until I can leave for college. That’s in three years because I’m only a sophomore but I’m worried that people will judge how I dress and how I talk. You see I’m from New York, New York. The Big Apple as many people call it. I dress casually in my paid red and black skinny jeans, my black tank top with my leather jacket and red high top Converse. This is a normal outfit for New York but I wonder what people dress like in California. They go to the beach in California, that I know and they’re all so tan. I’m so pale due to lack of sun and not going to the Jersey Shore everyday likes most teenage girls from New York focus on.  I’m not your everyday teenage girl. I’d rather go to concerts, play my guitar or read a book or listen to music. My music is my life and can help me no matter what.

Anyway getting back to reality, I slowly move in the inside of the seat as an elderly man sits down next to me looking tired and worn down from a hard day but he’s nice. We are now in Wyoming. He smiles at me and asks if the seat is taken, and I say no.  We sit there in silence for an hour or so, me looking out the window watching the dark asleep world pass by and he’s sound asleep as if nothing can wake him and so is everyone else. I take this time to think about how much will change, I think about seeing my dad’s body floating lifelessly in the pool after attempting to shoot himself three times and finally got it to work the fourth time no matter how hard I pleaded for him to stop, and my mother crying for weeks after and me waving good bye to her when the bus left, how she wasn’t even looking.  I hadn’t realized it but I had started crying but silently wishing I was just waking up from a nightmare. Sadly my “nightmare” was my reality and I could do nothing about it now. I feel like it was my fault.

The elderly man was awake now and noticed that I was crying and asked if I was okay. I said “yes,” as I shook my head but he looked at me and said “No, you aren’t; do not lie to me. I have three kids of my own and can tell when something is wrong.” I replied “It’s a long story and I struggle to tell it because I cry each time more and more and even thinking about it is hard.”  “Well, it’s going to be a really long bus ride. I have time for a long story. Plus it’s better to share pain with people rather than keep it bottled up. My name is Roger McSmith and I live in California.” I said “Hi, Mr. McSmith my name is Natalie Compentino and I’m from New York but going to live with my grandma in California.”  He asks me to tell him my story and I nod and begin.

After I told my story which took about two hours to tell he simply said “I don’t know why your father killed himself, but it is not your fault. Never think it is your fault you tried to get you father to not shoot himself but he chose not to listen. I’m sorry about his death and your mother shipping you off to your grandma who is never home. If you ever need someone to talk to or need to escape to some place just give me a call and I’ll meet you wherever you are no matter what the situation is I will be there.” I thought to myself that Mr. McSmith was like a grandfather I never had. I would kill to have him as my own father.

I said “Thank you for listening and understanding you have no idea how long I’ve bottled this up from everyone. With everyone at school constantly showing me pity and half of them judging me and my family, I’ve lost so many friends because of it and I hope life will be better here.” “It will be,” he answered “because you will make friends and they will help you get through anything. Can I just tell you one thing?” I nod. “Natalie, never change for anyone. Never change your attitudes, the way you dress, the person you are unless you want to change for yourself. People always try to change others and I was one of the lucky few who managed to never change for anyone.”  Taking in all of his advice I nod and finally smile which is one thing I haven’t done in forever. I thank him and tell him I’m tired and I’m gonna go to sleep and he said he would wake me up at the next stop or if we get to California. We are now in Nevada.

 I get woken up with a gentle shake and Mr. McSmith says that we’re in California. It is so warm and sunny hear and I defiantly am not used to it. Compared to New York which is windy and chilly, California feels like the equator.  I’m already regretting not changing outta my jeans into shorts, I’m thankful that I am wearing my black tank top.  I get off the bus and inhale sun and warmth. My grandma of course isn’t there so I’m stuck walking to her house.  I grab my pull string bag, and my guitar. My mom told me to bring a suitcase but I told her what was the use I would have to buy new clothes cause of the weather, so I have my pull string bag, my debit card, and my guitar. I say goodbye to Mr. McSmith and I told him I’d see him around, he asked if I needed a ride and I said no my grandma was running late. He said okay and waved and said if I ever needed anything call. I answered him then walked out onto the street.

Wow. I never imagined California being so busy. It’s a lot like New York but it’s a more organized chaos and New York, well that’s just chaotic. I look up and down the street squinting, I don’t really wanna head straight to my grandma’s house even if I know how to get there so I walk down the street to find a park and I sit down. I lean back and stare at the sky then I take in the world around me. The next thing I really wanna do is play my guitar right here but what will people think… I remember what Mr. McSmith said “don’t ever change for anything.” With remembering that I take out my guitar, I love the way it shines in the light; I take out my guitar pick and I begin to play. I open up my guitar case like I do back in New York because who knows maybe I can make some extra money. I begin to play “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by Green Day and I start to sing. I get so into my music I don’t notice all the people standing around staring at me until I finish the final note, I’m loud and clear. I get greeted to California with claps from everyone around they’re all just standing clapping for me. That never really happened in New York, I get $50 in cash in my case which is more than I ever made in a day. I think I’m gonna like California.

After I thank everyone, a little girl comes over and asks if I can play another song and her mother says “I’m sorry, she was intrigued by your playing and singing. Let’s go Claire.” “Wait!” I say to the mother and the little girl Claire. “I’ll play another song. What do you wanna hear?” The girl Claire looks at me and says “Can you play, Just the Way You are?” I smile because that was one of my favorite songs to play. I nod and say “Of course I can play that song, how’d you know that’s one of my favorite songs to play?” She laughs and I play the song. Once I finish she is smiling a radiant smile which makes me smile. I can see I made her day. She says thank you and her mom gives me a twenty and tells Claire to go to the playground. After she ran off her mom said to me “Thank you for playing. My daughter hasn’t smiled in weeks since her grandmother passed away. You have no idea how I was filled with so much happiness to see her smile.” The woman is now in tears and I smile and say “I wasn’t lying that is my favorite song to play. I’m glad I was able to make her smile. It will be okay things will get better just give her some time.” I wish I could listen to my own advice sometimes. Then I remembered how I needed to start to my Grandma’s house. I put my guitar away and say goodbye to the woman and as I leave I say “Mrs., don’t let anyone change your daughter, Claire. She’s one of those rare people you find that can overcome any obstacle, and so are you. One day everything will make sense.” I really should take my own advice.

I start down the path in the park to leave when someone taps me on the shoulder, my imitate idea is to run but I remember this is California and turn around to find a guy my age standing behind me. I ask him “Can I help you?” He shakes his head no then he says “No, I just uh thought you we’re someone I knew. Sorry, this is awkward… I’ll let you be on your way… bye!” I look at him as he walks over to where a group of his friends are laughing. Great there are jerks who laugh here too. I turn and walk to my grandma’s house.

Once I get there I notice she isn’t home and there is no key to let me in so I sit on the steps strumming my guitar making up my own lyrics to a song I’m working on. I hadn’t noticed there was a pair of feet standing in front of me till I looked up. It was the same guy from the park. I got a little scared and I was crying because of my song I was singing, he was looking at me. I got annoyed wiped my eyes and asked him “What do you want now? Did you follow me or something? You got some never because you and your friends were laughing at me.” It was his turn to be taken back.  I could tell he didn’t expect this. He looked at me and began to stutter over his words but regained the ability to speak somehow. He said “I’m sorry and my friends weren’t laughing at you. They were laughing at me and I didn’t follow you home I live down the street and noticed you were outside of Betty’s house here and got curious. What is the name of the song you were playing?” I look at him taking in this information. I answer “Betty’s my grandma and I’m gonna be living with her until I leave for college. That’s cool you live down the street, its weird too. The song doesn’t have a name yet nor lyrics but I’m working on it. Why were they laughing at you?” He looked at me stunned and replied “You made that song? WOW! That’s really good I thought it was an actual song by a really famous artist. Oh,” he began to turn red “my friends were laughing at me because I failed at talking to you. See I was going to tell you that you play guitar really well and sing great.  I was going to introduce myself too.” “Which you still haven’t done,” I cut in. “My name is Jason Darren. I go to Spring Bridge High School. I am a sophomore and I love music. Your turn.” He smiled. Taking on this challenge I nod and say in a British accent for no reason at all “Hello, I’m Natalie Compentino. I’m from New York, New York. I play guitar love concerts and reading. I run track, and Betty is my grandma. I too will be attending Spring Bridge High School and am a sophomore. Nice to meet you Jason Darren.”

I then ask him “Jason, you said you live down the street correct, do you know when my grandma usually gets home cause I don’t have a key and its gonna get late and I have nowhere to go.” I look up when he sighs, he than says “No, sorry I don’t know when she gets home. Usually she gets back really late at like 11:30pm. Wanna just hang at my house till she calls we can leave her a note telling her where you are and call when she gets home.” I really had no other choice other than sit here so I agreed. I’ll admit that walking to Jason’s house was kinda awkward because I didn’t really even know him. But I mean he was going to be my neighbor and it would help to at least have one friend at school.  Halfway through the walk we run into one of the guys from the park, I’m assuming his friend. Jason offered to carry the pull string bag. I refused to let him carry my guitar. Anyway his friend just stops a few feet away looking shocked and Jason begins to chuckle. I ask him “Why are you laughing and who is that?” Jason stops and looks at me and says “That’s my friend Brad. I’m laughing because he was the guy that said I would never talk to you and that you would be his friend before you are mine.” So now we are friends I’m thinking, we were just strangers a few seconds ago. Gosh, I guess people in California are really nice. We come up to where Brad is and  I say “Hi, you a friend of Jason’s?” He nods. I speak again “Hi, my name is Natalie what’s yours?” He regained the ability to think and talk and said “My name’s Brad. You’re new here right? Where ya from?” Jason cuts in “She’s from New York. She’s Betty’s granddaughter.” “Betty’s granddaughter? Really? So you’re the girl who is transferring in,” said Brad surprised. “Yea. Why is it such a surprise?” I asked. “Well,” started Brad “Jason usually doesn’t talk to too many people. He’s kinda shy but has an awesome taste in music. Forget it music is his life.”

“That’s interesting my music is my life. I write what I feel and that inspires my songs.  But there not very good however I feel like I need to write them for me. I never show others because no one will want to hear them.” I said with a sad tone in my voice that only I noticed. 

If I ran away would anyone care

If I ran away would anyone care,

Run away into the setting sun,

To only be consumed by darkness,

Not having a name,

Or anyone know you,

Finally invisible,

Cold, silent as the grave,

The night is long and seems never ending,

A bird finally and tells you it is morning,

It is a new day with a bright, warm, shining sun,

A new beginning, A new life,

You saved yourself from everything,

You are now your own hero,

Capable of many things,

But you still have enemies,

No way to truly escape,

But when you ran away,

You saw things in a new light,

A new dream appeared,

Finally you understand

That this is your life,

Sometimes no one will hold your hand,

You will walk alone and stay where you stand,

You may change however,

But it is because you wanted to ,

No one forced you to change with their opinions,

No one else matters but you.

Strength

Even the strongest people break sometimes.  The people who are the kindest, nicest, and love the most have been through the most. So maybe people question me and why im nice to everyone even the jerks but its better to care for someone than have absolutely no one. A smile and laugh can easily be faked but if you really want to understand someone, look into their eyes.