Im fine, Just Fine

Just because your life is going perfect and you're happy, it doesnt mean my life is going great. I'll be honest im broken inside, i hide it behind these fake smiles. You ask me why im not a happy bubbly girl anymore? its because i changed, A LOT! you seem like you dont trust me anymore. you wont give me straight answers, wanna know something? i dont trust you anymore either, glad we're on the same page. I isolate myself in my room to escape life, to cry and be alone, when nothing's going right i'd rather be alone by myself. im sorry im a wreck,  and im not as strong as i pertend to be. I feel so alone in a crowd of people. Im self conscience. Nothing will ever be the same. I dont know who to trust anymore. everyone i have trusted has either left, or broke their trust. People dont trust me? well i've kept every secret and helped anyone the best i could. So thanks for nothing. I cry myself to sleep sometimes and you dont even know. Im broken inside, no one understands, im always left in the dark,.... alone.

A song i made but its only lyrics no tune the mesage is true

Everyone has a breaking point especially when you’ve been strong for too long,

I’ll be honest I’ve told you before, that I’m broken inside with nowhere left to run,

I try to stay strong for the sake of my friends and others,

But sometimes it’s just too much to handle,

I’m a stranger in the world and no one understands,

I’m self-conscience all the time but I don’t care anymore,

Say what you want I don’t care what you think,

I am who I am, I’m happy with who I am and I’m not gonna change,

I’m happy with myself and I will not be torn down,

I’m stronger than you think and will not breakdown,

But its days like these when I wish I could have slept the whole day,

And not worry about what others will say,

I wear a smile that’s fake but others can’t see through it,

How is someone supposed to answer the question what’s wrong, when nothing is going right,

I go through the day with a smile on my face,

When someone asks how you are the answer is fine,

Just once you want someone to look you in the eyes and they say tell the truth,

People would be shocked by your reply,

The worst feeling in the world is feeling alone in a crowd,

So thanks for kicking me when I’m down and at the lowest of low’s,

But I guess that’s just how the story goes,

Nothing’s worse than being in the dark,

I'd rather be somewhere else then here right now,

Somewhere where everything is perfect, guess I gotta keep dreaming,

I’m stuck in a reality and can’t live in a fantasy,

I’m so tired that I just don’t care anymore,

Everybody needs someone

But in today’s world you can’t be who you really are,

That’s what’s wrong with the human world, it’s a mess.

 this whole song is a combination of my tweets, and fb status' every single part is one or the other. its my first song ever feed back is always appreciated. Even if i know no one reads this :)

Welcome! This is who i am i take no one's crap im always there for others

Well I'll Just introduce myself! My name's Alicia and im 16. I've been through alot in my life even though im only 16. Im a sophmore and my mom passed away Nov. 2010 when i was a freshman. I was 15. Life has its ups and downs that was a major point in my life i was depressed for that whole year and it didnt help when my dad began to date after 6 months of my mothers death. Its still not easy I have my days where i feel as if i cant go on. But i became stronger than i could have imagined. No matter what happens i know i can get through it. I believe in God and i'll admit that sometimes i think He isn't there but i know he is. It took me awhile to believe in Him again, but i know he never left me. If you look at the letter i wrote to my mother you will understand more. Another thing you may want to know is that I wear a fake smile all the time. No one knows the difference at all im so good at it. Just once i want someone to ask "Are you okay" and when i say "Im fine" i want them to say "Tell the truth" but that will never happen. I can be having the worst day but i will pretend to be happy for my friends' sake because they always seem to have a "problem" and when im quite and not talking they think im tired or im annoyed and dont ask whats wrong. Well it feels like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders and im slowly being crushed. My story may not be inspiring but i need to tell it for my sake. But I want to show that you are not alone ever! I may not know who you are but feel free to ask me anything in the comments if anyone actually ever finds my lonely blog at least they wont need to make judgements I'm telling you exactly who i am. I'll sum it up in a few words


I am:
strong
broken inside
fake a smile outside
there for anyone
sometimes question why me
sometimes depressed
happy



sometimes i dont think anyone understands me AT ALL no matter what people will never fully understand me

<3 bye!

My Letter to My Mom, You may be gone from this earth but you are forever in my heart

Dear Mom,
Guess I’ll start with hi. I miss you so much. I think about you all the time. I look back in the past everyday remembering all the memories we made together. Then I always go back to the memory when I was like 6 and we were talking at dinner about would I cry and miss you or molly more if I lost you in a fire. I said molly because I didn’t hear you say yourself.  I remember after you said “You would miss molly more?” I started to cry I was so upset and thought that it would be my worst nightmare if you died. I thought you were invincible. My worst nightmare then became a reality on that dreadful day in November. I remember that day well. I woke up that morning all sad because I prayed to God the night before and said “God, I know I want my mother to stay alive and be here for my sweet 16, wedding, prom, and all the moments in my life. But however I want her to stop having to suffer. I know it will be hard to get through life without her but I don’t want her to go through any more pain. I think I’m strong enough. If you need her back in heaven take her but know this, I will stop praying and believing in you for a while.” I cried myself to sleep that night and was still crying when I woke up on that day. I got changed ate and was waiting to go and wait for the bus. Seven o’clock came and I was going outside I said “Bye Mom love you! Have a good day! See you later.” If I knew this would be the last time I would have said more how I would miss you and how I would trade places with you and that I know you’ll always be with me. I left for school waiting for the bus I remember talking to Sharon and told her what I prayed to God. She said that she said the same thing. I had one of those strange feelings it was going to happen but I was hoping I was wrong. Something told me you were gone at school that day. During Morning Prayer the reading said “Even those who leave us will always be with us, to help us through rough times and through happy times but we must never forget.” Or something like that. I was thinking about that all day and was just thinking through first and second block worrying about you. During second block I wanted the day to be over so I could just go home and sit with you. That’s when Mr. Bye came in and said “We need to see Alicia McEnearney in the office.” I got up out of my seat feeling all shaky and stunned. I wasn’t thinking and couldn’t think. My mind went blank. I then knew what happened as I walked through the principles door when I saw Uncle Patrick with red eyes and seeing dad trying to stay strong for us. I just ran over to him and hugged him. I hear him say “Mom passed this morning.” He tried to keep from crying but the tears just came. I was never so mad in my life. Even now it kills me to go back to that horrible day. When I came home I saw your body in that ugly blue chair I just ran over and cried in your arms, like I had so many times before when I was sad, upset, or had a bad day. Thinking that I would never get one of your hugs ever again. The hugs filled of love and kindness. It just wasn’t fair! All I could say over and over to you was “Mom I love you, I love you so much, and you’ll always be with me. I love you, it’s just not freakin fair!!!”  I cursed screamed and cried so much. I’ll never forget those nights we stayed up late studying or just having fun. I miss your laugh and I always question how I’ll get through life without you, then I remember that day Aunt Barbara said you said “Alicia will be alright she has perseverance.” I also remember the day you just wanted me to sit and hold your hand, I sat there for a while but it got to me and I started to cry I just couldn’t take it, I didn’t want to leave you but I just had to. Every time I read the letter you wrote me in the memory book I cry. I will always stop to smell the roses and enjoy life. Even though it will be hard. We’ve had our fights and arguments but we’ve had so much fun too. All the vacations, you teaching me how to play sports, helping me with homework, having dance parties with me and Sharon and all the parties you planned with us. I remember saying “Mom why did you smell my hair or mom what are you doing that for?” You would respond by saying “I’m making a memory.” I didn’t think much of it but now I do and make sure I try to make a lot of memories to keep forever. I wish I could go back in time and change everything. I’m glad you got to see me graduate from St. Ambrose. But upset you will never see me graduate high school, be there for my sweet 16, prom or my wedding. This wasn’t the way life was supposed to be. I remember in September  this year it was a few days before my birthday like the 24 when you said you had about a month to live we were all so mad and I screamed and yelled. I hugged you and said I’ll miss your hugs and you said there are still time for many hugs but I said but not for long. You said “sit on my lap,” I said ‘But I’m afraid I’ll hurt you,” you said “No you won’t. I miss having you sit here. See you still fit.” You said you would always be with me and I said it wouldn’t be the same and you said you knew that I asked if there were anymore treatments but there wasn’t.  People keep saying it will get better but I keep thing “When?” It seems to me everything is getting harder. Our trip to Florida this year you were supposed to be here! I miss you so much. The day you passed I just had to get out my anger I shot some baskets, threw my phone across the backyard, and then went for a ride on my bike with Sharon. I just had to get away to think. Sharon and I talked about everything and I finally felt a sense or peace. I wrote a few poems and me and Sharon blasted Hilary Duff which we know you loved. I just wish you were still here. It seems as if I’m in a dream and I’m still trying to wake up. Every day I say “Oh I gotta tell Mom this, then I remember or when I say my parents or even when people say  I have to check with my mom, or Guess what my Mom said or like Oh my gosh my Mom is so mean.” I just think you’re lucky she does all that. I miss you so much Mom I love you with all my heart and I wish things were different. Love you Mo Mom:) Love you Mom!!&lt;3
Love Your Daughter,
Alicia